


Only I Can See The Real You

by Idzzdi



Series: Seeing You [1]
Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe, Happy Ending, I swear, Kinda, M/M, Sick Harry, i know the summary doesn't say all that much but you should really read this fic, it's amazing, something different, turning point
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-15
Updated: 2013-06-15
Packaged: 2017-12-15 02:31:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 18,445
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/844295
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Idzzdi/pseuds/Idzzdi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Hey,” Harry's mom says as he climbs into the car and buckles up. “Who were you waving at?”<br/>“Oh, that’s just—” he begins, lifting his head to look after Louis. But Louis is gone. “Er, nothing.”</p>
<p>or, Harry meets a boy who is just a little too perfect to be actually real.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Only I Can See The Real You

**Author's Note:**

> OMG finally! I’m so excited for this!!! This is the longest piece I’ve ever written. It’s something a little different but kinda amazing and aahhh- just read it.
> 
> Much love to my amazing beta Kimberly. Thanks for support, advise and proof reading. xx
> 
> Edit (25/03/14) - I've always hated the summary so I decided to change it. Hopefully it's a little descriptive now :)

The first time Harry sees Louis he’s sitting at a bus stop.

He’s had a shit day and this nerve wrecking headache and just wants to go home, but the bus isn’t due until another twenty minutes. It’s fucking hot on top of everything and the weather is so nice it seems to be mocking Harry for how horrible his day went. It’s nothing specific even. Just school and, fuck, this _headache_.

So he’s sitting on the little bench by the empty bus stop, his eyes closed. He’s rubbing his temples, hoping that it’ll ease the headache a little.

“You okay?” somebody asks and Harry blinks his eyes open, startled from the voice. He hasn’t heard the boy approaching who’s now looking down at him. He isn’t very tall Harry notices and if he stood up he would most certainly be taller than him.

“Er, yeah,” Harry replies a little unsure.

“You have a headache,” the other boy states and Harry furrows his brows. His hands, still pressing against his temples, probably gave him away.

“Yeah,” Harry says again and the other boy’s face seems to light up at that. He takes two steps forwards and then plops down next to Harry on the bench.

“I’m Louis,” he says, reaching out for Harry’s hand. Harry looks down at him curiously, because now that they’re both sitting he indeed is taller than the other boy.

“Harry,” he says, not grinning quiet as wide as Louis is, but still trying to put a nice face on.

“It’s such a lovely day,” Louis says happily, shaking Harry’s hand an then turning back around to lean against the back of the bench.

_It’s not_ , Harry thinks, but he doesn’t say anything. Louis doesn’t say anything else either and so they sit in silence for a while. Actually they sit in silence until the bus arrives. Harry can see it stopping at one of the traffic lights a little down the street and slowly gets up.

“Are you not getting on?” Harry asks as Louis stays seated.

“No,” he replies with a smile, leaning forwards a bit. “I’ll see you around I guess,” he says as the bus comes closer and Harry thinks _Probably not._ , but yet again doesn’t say anything.

The bus stops and the doors open. Harry takes one last look back at Louis who is still grinning at him.

“Good luck with your headache,” he says and Harry thinks that’s a kind of cruel thing to say. But then he realizes that his headache is gone. He wants to turn around again to look at Louis, to let him know, but Louis is gone.

~

“I met the strangest boy today,” Harry tells his friend Zayn later that day. They’re both in Harry’s room and meant to do homework, but well. “He sat with me while I waited for the bus. Nice bloke.”

“ _Nice_ bloke?” Zayn asks with that _something_ swinging in his voice.

“Yes. Nice. His name’s Louis.”

“Did you get his number?”

“No, I- Not nice like _that,_ ” Harry protests, but Zayn only grins at him.

“Right, of course,” He agrees, but it’s clear that he doesn’t believe Harry. The younger boy only scoffs at him and throws his huge math text book across the bed towards him.

“Oi,” A voice interrupts them from the doorway. “Shouldn’t you be studying?” Harry’s mom asks.

“Mom.” Harry complains, getting up from the bed to softly guide her out of the room again. When he gets to her however, she doesn’t budge. “We _are_ studying. Just taking a break right now. I have a headache.” And that’s not even a lie. The headache had been gone earlier today, but as soon as Harry got home it came back.

“Again?” his mom asks, touching his forehead instinctively and feeling his temperature. “Are you alright? You had a headache yesterday.” And the day before. And the day before _that_. But his mom doesn’t need to know all that, Harry thinks. She worries enough as it is.

“Maybe you should see somebody about this,” she suggests and Harry flushed lightly.

“Mom,” he whines again, dragging the word out, nodding towards Zayn.

“Right,” she agrees, because actually she’s a good mother. She’s not after embarrassing her son. “I’ll get you an appointment,” She says quietly and then leaves again.

Harry huffs out a breath and returns to the bed, flopping down onto it next to Zayn. He turns his head to the side to gaze up at his friend. Zayn holds the text book in his hand, but looks hesitating.

“You okay?”

“Yes. Let’s do it,” Harry says, pushing himself up quickly and trying to ignore the throbbing pain in his head. It’s just a headache..

~

Unfortunately Harry’s mother doesn’t think it’s _just a headache_ and gets him an appointment for the next week. Harry is surprised when she doesn’t take him to his usual doctor’s office, but doesn’t say anything when she drops him off and tells him to call when he’s done.

The building he walks into is nice and huge and the entrance hall looks elegant and warm. There is a front desk to his left and a young woman behind it, smiling at him encouragingly.

“Erm,” he steps forwards nervously. “I’m here to see Dr. Payne,” he reads from the note his mom had written for him.

“Of course,” she says. “Second floor.”

Harry thanks her and then walks off over to the elevator. Inside he looks at the different buttons. Every one has a card next to it, reading different doctor’s names. There’s a pediatrician, an ENT physician, a neurologist, physical therapy. The card for the second floor reads:

_Dr. Liam Payne_

_Psychological Therapist_

_Appointment required_

Harry hesitates a moment before he pushed the button. A psychological therapist? For a headache? Maybe his mom got something wrong? Maybe there is another Dr. Payne in the house? Because Harry is pretty sure he doesn’t need a shrink.

His thoughts are interrupted however when the elevator comes to a stop and the doors slide open. Harry steps out carefully gazing around the room he just entered. It looks a little like the entry hall, very open and warm. The wall to his right is basically one huge window and he can see the street he had just come from. To his left there is another desk and some sofas, framed by potted plants. It all looks very shrink-ish he thinks, but in a good way. If that’s possible.

“Hello?” The man behind the desks asks.

“Dr. Payne?” Harry asks back, stepping forwards.

“No,” the man laughs. “I’m his assistant. Secretary. Whatever. Hi.”

Harry laughs as well. “Hi, erm. I’m Harry. Styles. I, well, have an appointment.” His voice goes up in the end and makes the sentence sound like a question rather than a statement.

“Of course,” the man agrees in a friendly tone. He types a few things into his computer and then asks Harry to take a seat for a moment. Harry sits, nervously fiddling with his fingers. Stupid headache again. The whole shrink thing threw him off a bit. He expected a normal doctor, maybe a neurologist. But most definitely not a psychological therapist.

“Mr. Styles?” a warm voice asks and Harry blinks twice looking up in surprise. He had zoned out for a bit there and flushed lightly now as the man from behind the desk holds a door open for him.

“Sorry,” He apologizes as he slips past him into yet another open and warm room. Harry thinks maybe that’s their think around here. To make the crazy people feel more at home or something like that. He wouldn’t know, he isn’t crazy.

“Hello,” a man greets him from across the room as the secretary closes the door behind Harry quietly. The new voice startles Harry a bit and he looks up at the same. He looks so warm and welcoming he blends in with the room perfectly. His hair in brown like the wooden floor and his jumper cream like the walls and his pants black like the leather couch to his right.

“Hi,” Harry says, not sure whether to step forward or not.

“Harry, right?” the man asks, stepping closer but not far enough to reach for Harry’s hand. “Or would you like me to say Mr. Styles?”

“No,” Harry says quickly. “No. Harry is just fine.”

“Okay, Harry,” The man smiles. “I’m Liam.” And oh.

“ _You_ ‘re the doctor?” he blurts out in surprise, staring at the man. He realizes that it’s probably not a very polite thing to do, but to hell with it. That man usually deals with crazy people. So whatever.

“Yes I am.” He replied calmly, chuckling. “Not what you were expecting?”

“Erm, no,” Harry admits. Shrinks are supposed to be old and wrinkly. Only the ones on TV look good, he thought. He doesn’t tell Liam that.

They stand in silence for a little longer and then Liam takes another step forwards. “Why don’t you take a seat right here with me,” he gestures towards two armchairs, “and we talk about why you’re here?” He suggests and Harry nods, because he could hardly say no now.

He sits down and pulls his feet underneath him, eying Liam suspiciously. He is still very much convinced that he isn’t crazy, not one bit, and he also thinks Liam’s office and everything about this building is a lot less intimidating than movies make it seem. But. But he still thinks Liam is about to read his mind or be able to tell all his dirty little secrets from the way he crosses or not crosses his legs, so that’s kind of scary.

“So, Harry,” Liam starts, pulling Harry back into reality. “I like to keep track of what I and my patients talk about. I can either take notes during our meeting or record it and listen to it again afterwards. Whichever you prefer.”

“I…” he starts, but trails off. Whichever _he_ prefers? How is he supposed to know? “Whichever is more convenient for you,” he ends up saying, even though it sounds more like a question all over again.

Liam smiles at him and then gets up to get a little silver thing that looks a little like a remote. He holds it up and lets Harry look at it. A recording device, he figures.

“Nobody is going to hear this apart from me, obviously,” he says with another warm smile and then flicks a button on the device before putting it down onto the table beside his armchair.

“Okay, Harry,” he starts again, turning so his body is facing Harry. “Why don’t you start off by telling me something about yourself?”

“Erm,” Okay. That’s not how Harry had imagined this going down. “Okay, well. I’m Harry. I’m 19. I go to school here in Cheshire. I live with my mom and her boyfriend Robin. I have one sister, Gemma, but she’s off to college. Well…I have two best mates, Zayn and Niall. And yeah. That’s it,” he trails off and _again_ it sounds like a question.

“Okay, cool,” Liam replies. Not a very shrinky answer. “Do like sports? Footie?”

“I’m not really…coordinated. So, I like to _watch_ sports,” Harry answers awkwardly and Liam laughs.

“Right, I know that feeling,” he replies. Harry gives him a quick once and decided that this answer definitely surprises him. Liam looks rather buff, like he runs or something. Harry wonders if Liam lied to him to make him feel better about himself. That would be _very_ shrinky.

“So then, why don’t you tell me why you’re here?” he asks and that’s very shrinky too.

“Erm, well. My mom made me the appointment. Because I have, like, headaches. I don’t know. Didn’t my mom tell you why she sent me?”

“She did. But I wanted to hear what you thought.” _Very_ shrinky.

“So, erm. What did- What did my mom say? Does she think I’ve gone mad? Crazy?”

Liam laughs at that. “No, Harry. No. Have you ever heard of somatoform disorders?”

“I- No.”

“It’s when a psychological problem causes you physical pain. And that can be something small really, like stress at school or being lovesick maybe. And it can lead to all sorts of physical problems. Some people get back pain, some people feel sick. Some people get headaches.”

“So my mom thinks I’m stressing out about school?”

“Is it possible?”

“No, I mean- I’m not all that good. But I don’t care either. I mean, if I _wanted_ to be better I could, probably.” Harry says defensively. He is leaning back in his chair.

“Well alright. Is there anything else maybe? Maybe with your mates? Or a girlfriend?”

“Boyfriend.” Harry corrects and if Liam considers it strange in any way he doesn’t show it. “But, no. I mean there is none. Boyfriend that is. And with my mates.. We’re mates. It’s all good,” he shrugs.

“Okay.” Liam says again. “Do you have a headache right now?”

“Yes.”

“Since when?”

“Since I got up. But I also had a headache when I went to bed. So maybe it didn’t even go away,” he shrugs again, helplessly. Liam’s questions are weird.

“Isn’t that annoying?”

Harry actually laughs at that. “Yeah. I mean- Yes. Of course. But I got used to it I suppose. I remember when it started it would be really hard for me to concentrate in class and all that. But it’s better now.”

“The headache or the concentration?”

“The concentration. I mean, I’ve learned to live with it.”

“When did this start?”

“I don’t know,” Harry gives him another shrug. “A couple of weeks ago, maybe. It wasn’t always this bad. First it was only in the evenings. And then it just got more.”

They sit in silence for a while and Liam is looking out of the window. He looks zoned out and Harry wonders if he is thinking about him or if he is just bored out of his mind, because Harry isn’t actually crazy.

“Why didn’t you do anything?” Liam asks finally, turning his head to look at Harry. “About the headaches. Why didn’t you go see a doctor?”

“I don’t know.” says Harry. “I thought I wasn’t getting enough sleep. Or hadn’t drank enough water.”

“Do you sleep enough?” Liam asks and Harry nods. “Do you drink enough water?” Harry nods again. “So why didn’t you do anything?”

Harry stays silent.

~

When Harry walks out of the building a little later he runs his hand down his face and wonders how this could have actually been exhausting. He had been sitting on a couch and talked and it had been exhausting. Mentally. On top of his headache. Not a nice thing.

So now he is standing in front of the building, fishing his phone out of his pocket. He calls his mom, tells her to come pick him up and then goes to find a step to sit on while he waits. He’s lost in his own thoughts and startled when Louis shows up out of nowhere. Just like last time.

“Hiya!” the boy chirps. “Fancy meeting you here.”

“What are you doing here?” Harry wonders out loud, because there is next to nothing around this place other than the offices of a bunch of doctors.

“Nothing. Came to see you,” he says with a wink and okay. That’s either really creepy or a pretty lame pickup line.

“Right,” Harry agrees, pulling his eyebrows up.

“You’re a funny lad,” Louis says chuckling and shoving his side a bit playfully. “We should hang out some time. Or go out. Whichever you prefer.”

“You’re pretty straight on, aren’t you?” Harry asks, his lips curving up into a little smile.

“Not all that _straight_ , but…” He says wiggling his eyebrows and then laughing hysterically over his own joke.

“You’re awful,” Harry tells him, but Louis doesn’t stop laughing.

“You love it,” he says cheekily. “You love how I make your headaches go away.”

Harry blinks at him. His headache? Oh yeah, he had that a moment ago. But now? Now it’s gone, it’s true. And Louis knows it. The smug look on his face tells Harry he _knows_ it.

“See?” he prompts and slings an arm over Harry’s shoulder. “We’ll go out Friday, yeah? What’s your number, I’ll call you.”

Harry doesn’t really know why, but he tells Louis his number, smiling faintly at the wide grin on Louis lips as he types in the number. He looks so happy, so satisfied, like his only purpose in life was to get Harry to say yes to this. A measly date. Harry was shit at saying no, so anybody who asked nicely would get a date with him anyways, but he wasn’t going to tell Louis. Not when he was beaming like his, his one arm still slung over Harry’s shoulder.

“Well, alright now,” he says after saving Harry’s number and pushing it back into his pocket. He gets up and pats some dust of his pants. “I gotta run. But I’ll see you, yeah?”

“Yeah,” Harry agrees, standing up himself.

“Don’t forget to pick up when I call,” Louis warns playfully as he walks away.

“I won’t,” Harry yells after him, a smile on his lips. Louis turns to look over his shoulder and Harry waves at him.

A moment later a car pulls up next to him and Harry looks down at his mom who is pushing the door open for him.

“Hey,” she says as he climbs in and buckles up. “Who were you waving at?”

“Oh, that’s just—” he begins, lifting his head to look after Louis. But Louis is gone. “Er, nothing.” He shakes it off.

His mother too apparently, because she drives off, taking a quick look at her son. “So, how did it go?” she asks carefully.

“Good. I think,” Harry says, rubbing his head and wondering where that stupid headache went.

“Liam—I mean Dr. Payne is really nice. He said to come back next week.”

“Oh okay. Good,” his mom replies and there’s a smile on her face.

~

Harry doesn’t hear back from Louis all week. He forgot, he thinks and that’s okay. It’s not like he really wanted to go out anyways. Were they even going out? _Hanging_ out Louis had said. There’s a difference.

Whatever.

Never mind.

Harry doesn’t care.

Expect he does and so when he’s sitting hunched over his homework with a fucking _pounding_ headache on Friday afternoon he’s more than delighted when his phone rings with an unknown number.

“Hello?” he asks, stupidly hopeful.

“Hiya Harry, it’s Louis!” And _yes_!

“Oh hey,” he replies, trying to sound as unimpressed as possible. “What’s up?”

“Nothing much. About to round up a couple of things for our date later, I’ll come pick you up at ten, yeah?”

Oh. _Oh_. So they were still on. And it was definitely a date. Well…

“Okay, sure. Yes. Yeah.”

“Great,” Louis chirps and he sounds so excited. They exchange a few more words and Louis tells him to dress warm before they hang up. Harry doubts that he needs to dress warm for whatever they’re doing, because it’s still a gazillion degrees outside. But it might cool down a little at night he thinks, so eventually he drops his textbook and gets up from the bed instead to roam through his dresser, looking for a nice looking sweater. Something maybe to match his shirt? Harry doesn’t really know, he doesn’t really _do_ dates. But Louis apparently does and something about the little crazy boy is awfully endearing so Harry ends up actually wondering about his outfit.

In the end he stands in front of the mirror and watches himself, thinking that he looks just like he does any other day and that the time he invested definitely wasn’t worth it. But whatever. Hopefully Louis will at least like it.

Harry spends the time until ten ‘o clock in his room, laying on his bed and trying to get his stupid headache to go away. He had popped two pain killers earlier and it is better already, but nowhere near he wanted it to be. For once he thinks it might actually be the stress this whole date was putting him through that caused the headache. Liam and his stupid stomato- _something_ disorders.

Harry isn’t nervous. Screw that. He doesn’t even know Louis, so what if it all goes to hell. He doesn’t care. At least not a lot. And so he’s definitely not glancing at the clock every two minutes as it gets close to ten. Totally not.

When there’s three minutes left on the clock he gets up from his bed, winces at the throbbing in his temples and waits a moment for it sooth. When it’s all good he grabs the sweater he picked out from the floor and heads downstairs. His mom is out with Robin tonight and he is kind of thankful for that.

He slips on his shoes and sits in the kitchen, waiting for a knock on the door. When he finally hears it he jumps a little, grabbing his phone to shove it in his pocket before he waits another moment and then pulls the door open.

Louis is standing in front of him with the widest grin on his face. He beams at Harry and tilts his head to the side a bit. It makes him look even shorter Harry thinks as he takes Louis’ outfit in. His pants are incredibly tight, but damn they look good on him. His shirt is light, a cream color or something. It remind Harry of the walls in Liam’s office.

“Hey Harry,” Louis greets him, swaying back and forth on his toes a little.

“Hi,” says Harry. He grabs a key from the little bowl by the door and then steps outside to join Louis.

“You alright?” Louis asks as they turn to walk and Harry follows him, letting his eyes wander up and down the street in search of Louis’ car.

“Yes,” he replies distractedly.

“No headache?” Louis asks again and this time Harry looks up at him.

“It’s… alright,” he says, because it really is. The pain killers seem to finally kick in.

“Perfect,” Louis chirps and then reaches for Harry’s wrist to pull him along. “We’re walking, by the way. It’s not too far. I think you’re gonna like it.”

“Well, what are we doing then?” Harry asks, keeping up with Louis’ pace easily.

“It’s a surprise,” the boy says lowly and something about that gets Harry really excited. He knows he shouldn’t be, totally hadn’t been all day, but all this seems so familiar in a way, it’s scary almost. Louis grins back at him like he knows what Harry’s feeling and then lets his hand that’s still wrapped around Harry’s wrist slip lower to grab his hand instead. Their fingers intertwine.

“Almost there.” Louis comments as Harry looks down at their hands. It feels comfortable and warm and considering that this morning Harry didn’t even know whether he would see Louis at all, he thinks this is going quite well. Quite how he would like it to go.

They’re walking past a couple of houses now and down the street ahead of them is a big field. The street lights stop halfway down the road and all Harry can see is black darkness welcoming them at the end of their way. It wasn’t all that late, but dark enough to cause a cold shiver to run down Harry’s spine as Louis tugged him on, always down the road. Louis must have sensed his discomfort though, swiping his thumb comfortingly over Harry’s palm as he keeps walking.

Two or three minutes later Louis takes a sharp turn out of nowhere and tugs Harry with him away from the road and onto the grassy field.

“Here,” he says suddenly and sits, pulling Harry down awkwardly. The taller boy sways for a moment and then sorts himself out, rustling around and then sitting down next to Louis. “Like so,” Louis instructs again and presses against Harry chest with his hands until he’s lying down, gazing up at the sky above him. Louis squirms next to him and then lays with him chuckling quietly. Harry feels a little lost.

“Aren’t they beautiful?” Louis asks. Harry doesn’t say anything but his unspoken confusion is obvious. “The stars. They’re so far away. There’s so many of them. And yet they manage to connect all people. In such a special way.”

Harry lays and thinks about Louis’ words. He doesn’t know if they’re really brilliant and he just doesn’t quiet get it or whether Louis is a bit mental. He doesn’t care though, because it’s endearing as everything about the boy is. And so he only tilts his head to the side, shuffling a bit closer. He glances at Louis, but the other boy had his eyes fixed at the sky.

“Isn’t it so weird?” he asks out of nowhere after a moment, turning his head to finally look at Harry.

“What?” the taller boy asks back, gazing from Louis at the stars again.

“The stars, like—we’re _all_ looking at the same stars. You. Me. The people in Peru. In China. Everywhere.” He sounds amazed and Harry can feel his intense gaze on his face. He blushes.

“Yeah. I suppose that’s a little weird.”

“So romantic though, right?”

“I—yeah. Kinda.”

They lay in silence again and Harry tries to understand the fascination Louis feels towards the stars. They look pretty, sure, but he can’t quite comprehend the draw he sees in Louis’ eyes as his gaze is cast upwards towards the twinkling lights. He looks really beautiful like this, Harry thinks.

“How old are you?” Louis asks suddenly, his gaze never leaving the stars.

“Nineteen,” Harry replies, chuckling lightly.

“Your turn.”

“My turn?”

“We’re playing twenty questions.”

Oh.

“Okay, erm. What’s your favorite color?”

“That’s a lame question,” Louis scolds him with a laugh and Harry blushed lightly, hoping Louis can’t see it through the darkness. It’s not all that dark really though and Louis shoots him a quick look and a smile before looking at the sky again.

“Blue. It’d be, I suppose. Favorite movie?”

“Hm. Love Actually? I think. Favorite subject at school?”

“I don’t go to school.”

“What do you do then?” Harry wants to know, but Louis is only shaking his head lightly.

“My turn,” he says with a smirk. “Did you pick a special outfit for tonight?” And oh. Harry is blushing again, keeping his eyes fixed in the sky, trying very hard to ignore the heat creeping onto his face. Louis is watching him, he knows.

“Yes,” he admits because there is really no point in lying whatsoever. “Did you?”

“You can’t ask questions back,” Louis tells him softly. “But I did.” he then adds and Harry can’t help but smile a little at that. He still doesn’t look at Louis, but doesn’t object when the boy slowly lets his fingers slip in between Harry’s again. It’s a nice feeling.

“What are you thinking about?” Louis asks after a while and his voice is quiet and soft. Harry wonders if they’re still playing the game and whether he _has_ to answer. Because he kind of would like to not answer this one. But Louis won’t let him get away with not answering and squeezes his hand comfortingly as he rolls on his side until his entire body is facing Harry. His gaze feels so much more intense now and Harry skins seems to be on fire where Louis is touching it. He is still staring at the stars, trying to ignore the intensity of _everything_ right now.

“Hmm?” Louis prompts once more and reaches up to touch Harry’s face, tilting it towards him a bit. It’s crazy, Harry thinks, how familiar being with Louis is. It feels like he had known him forever. Like he doesn’t even need to play twenty questions to get to know him. Harry thinks maybe he looks at Louis the way that he looks at the stars. There’s this certain draw.

“You.” Harry admits quietly after a long pause. “I’m thinking about you.”

“And…what are you thinking? About me?” Louis keeps asking, his eyes still fixed on Harry’s and he couldn’t look away even if wanted to. His hand is still pressed against Harry’s cheek and maybe that’s a sensitive point, he thinks. A point that makes him tell the truth, whether he wants to or not.

“I’m thinking how beautiful you are. How the stars twinkle in your eyes.”

Louis is chuckling at him, his thumb nudging Harry’s cheek. “You sap,” he says and Harry feels a little stupid. “I love it,” he adds and maybe Harry doesn’t feel all that stupid.

A smile is tugging on his lips now and Louis is smiling back at him and they’re just laying there for a moment, gazing at each other almost lovingly. Harry thinks he’s happy Louis called today. Happy that they did end up going on this date, because he wants to do this again and again. He also wants to kiss Louis, but laying here with him drowning in the deep blue color of his eyes, is good enough for now.

Or so he thinks until Louis leans in to softly press their lips together. Just like that. Warmth spreads through his body and it’s feels so nice, so at home, but it’s nothing compared to the look Louis gives him afterwards. He is positively beaming, looking a little smug and content, bust mostly relieved and a little bit in love.

Harry thinks he might be in love.

He can feel the love trickle down his face, his body. He can see it on Louis too and first he thinks he crying. But then the trickling gets more and more and when Harry gazes back up at the sky it’s raining. It’s odd, he thinks, because the sky had been clear with stars only a moment ago. Louis and him haven’t been laying together for that long, have they? He isn’t sure actually when he looks at Louis’ eyes. Those could probably be quite captivating.

Louis starts laughing, pushing the fringe of his hair back and wiping away some raindrops from his forehead. Harry watches him and then laughs as well when Louis gets up and pulls him with him.

“Let’s go,” Louis whispers hotly into his ears and then drags him with him again as he starts running. He is laughing again and so is Harry, watching the boy in front of him with amazement as they make their way back onto the road.

Harry’s shoes are dirty from the bit of mud forming due to the rain, but he doesn’t really care. All he cares about is Louis and how he’s holding his hand. How he is laughing loudly and that may just be the single most beautiful sound Harry has ever heard.

They run through the rain, pushing each other playfully and they laugh, never letting go of the other’s hand. It probably takes them longer than necessary and by the time they make it back to Harry’s house they’re both soaking wet, but laughing and panting. Harry notices that his mom’s car is still gone and doesn’t hesitate to pull Louis up the stairs of the porch with him.

“Come,” he says and drags Louis inside. Louis follows quietly, kicking off his shoes like Harry does.

“My room,” Harry breathes into his ear as he shrugs his jacket off and then pulls him upstairs. They’re still laughing and giggling like girls and Louis scolds Harry for it, but Harry doesn’t care, unable to stop the random surges of happiness floating through his stomach. He goes and gets towels for them from the bathroom, throwing one at Louis’ head when he gets back. Louis in return hunts him through his room until they’re both laying in bed next to each other, panting and laughing.

It should be more sexual, more sexy, Harry thinks as he starts peeling off his wet clothes but somehow it isn’t. He takes off his shirt and jeans before he pulls up a fresh shirt and puts it on. Louis only watches him, but when Harry offers him a shirt as well, he follows suit. They both dresses in Harry’s shirts and their boxers now as Harry makes his way over to the bed, pulling back the duvet. Louis hesitates for a moment, but when Harry nods his head towards the bed for him to come over another face-splitting smile stretches over his lips and then he’s right there next to Harry.

They cuddle up in the sheets and Harry can feel Louis’ naked legs against his. He shouldn’t be snuggling up to the boy only half dressed on their first date, he thinks, but it’s _Louis_. It’s Louis and with Louis everything feels different, but so at home already, so why make a big deal about it?

Harry decides to simply not to and carefully drapes his arm over Louis’ stomach. His shirt rides up a little and Harry strokes the short strip of exposed skin before scooting down to be on eye level with the shorter boy. Their eyes meet and for a moment Harry forgets to breath, only staring back at Louis’ incredibly blue eyes.

“Stay,” he says and he sounds so sure it even surprises himself. For a moment Louis looks like he want to say something, mock Harry for even thinking about kicking out right now. Now that he’s cuddled up in bed and it’s still raining cats and dogs outside. But he doesn’t say anything and only leans closer again until Harry’s and his lips brush together.

~

When Harry wakes up the morning he prays, prays, _prays_ that his mom didn’t come check on him last night when she got home. Because Harry fell asleep curled around an arm full of pretty boy, pretty _Louis_ , and he hadn’t even introduced him to him mom yet. He didn’t even know if they were dating or exclusive or whatever. He hopes Louis tells him what they are, but when he open his eyes, feeling around the bed for the soft and warm body next to him, Louis is gone.

Harry sits up hastily, familiar pain shooting through his temples. Here goes the headache again. It had been to good last night that Harry had the silent hope that for once he would wake up without the stupid headache pounding in his temples. He closes his eyes for a moment to soothe the pain and then looks around the room again.

Louis’ clothes are gone. The shirt of Harry’s he had been wearing the night before lays on the floor, crumpled. Harry goes to pick it up and inhale the smell. It smells like Louis, soft and warm, a little sweet. Harry loves it.

He takes the shirt and drags it to the bed with him, slipping underneath the duvet again and burying his head in the amazing smell.

His mom comes in a moment later and even though Harry’s heart almost stops when she sits down on the edge of his bed and strokes his head all _I-need-to-have-a-talk-with-you-ly_ she doesn’t say anything about a boy or a date or a Louis. So he thinks it’s all good.

She tells him that Dr. Payne’s assistant called the day before to confirm Harry’s appointment next week. Harry only nods and thanks her, than waiting for her to leave again so he can revel in Louis’ smell and the memories of the previous night.

He ends up lounging in bed all morning, only getting up once to go to the loo and fetch his phone on the way back. There’s one from Zayn, but there’s also one from Louis.

From: Louis

“ _Good morning sunshine! Sorry about this morning, but your mom was making all these noises in the kitchen and I thought it’d be better if I sneaked out. Love you, call me. xx”_

It makes sense, Harry has to admit and he isn’t angry with Louis. It probably saved him a lot of trouble or at least awkward explanations anyways.

From: Zayn

“ _Hey stupid. After blowing me off yesterday, you up for burgers today? Niall and I are going. Be there or be square.”_

Harry laughed at that and okay. Yeah, he may or may not have told Zayn at school yesterday that he wasn’t planning on doing anything that night. But then Louis called and things changed, so Zayn was a little mad.

He texts back right away, letting Zayn know that he’s in, asking when and where they would meet.

Two hours later he’s sitting at a shitty burger place right by Niall’s house, laughing with his two best mates. He had texted Louis earlier, letting him know what he was doing and that he was wearing his shirt today. Not technically _his_ , but Harry thought it was kind of cute of him. Now, as the day dragged on and Louis didn’t reply he wondered if maybe he was being clingy.

“You alright there?” Niall asked, stuffing some fries in his mouth as he eyed Harry suspiciously.

“No, yeah. Sure. I’m just.. expecting a cal,” he glances down at his phone and Niall’s and Zayn’s eyes follow.

“So, who’s this mysterious person?” Zayn wants to know. “The same one who kept you occupied yesterday?”

“Erm, yeah,” Harry admits, tilting his head to the side. “It’s, er, Louis.” He knows he sounds unsure, but Zayn’s eyes grow wide as he says Louis’ name.

“But stop _Louis_?” he asks and Harry laughs.

“Yeah.”

“What?” Niall wonders, looking horribly confused. Harry sighs and then tells Niall about meeting Louis at the bus stop. He then continues and talks about the time he met Louis again (he leaves out the fact that it was after his appointment with a psychological therapist, because that’s just.. embarrassing) and about their date last night. He just kind of rambles through it, even telling his friends about the kiss and the sleeping over, but never looking up at them.

When he finishes his story he carefully lifts his head to glance at them. Zayn and Niall only kind of stare at him in surprise until Niall bursts out laughing. Harry isn’t sure whether that’s a good or bad sign and only waits for him to calm and Zayn to say something.

“Well,”the dark haired boy begins and Harry chews his bottom lip nervously. “And you told me you don’t like _like_ him.”

“I didn’t,” Harry says and shrugs. “And then suddenly I did.”

“You’re adorable,” Niall tells him before he’s shoving food into his mouth again. “So can we meet him? Or see a picture or something?”

“Yeah,” Harry shrugs again. “I mean, I don’t have a picture, but you could probably meet him. Sometime,” He offers then, thinking about what it would be like to introduce Louis to his friends. They would probably like him. Like how crazy he is and how funny. But they wouldn’t get to see his _beautiful_ side, when his eyes are sparkling like he’s about to kiss Harry. And that’s good, Harry thinks. That’s the side only he will get to see.

He chuckles quietly and pushes his nose against his shoulder, subtly trying to smell the shirt again. Or not so subtly, as Zayn starts laughing.

“What, does that shirt smell like him or what?” He says with a laugh and even Niall snickers. Harry blushes and Zayn only laughs more. He bends over the table and presses his nose against Harry’s collarbone, trying to smell the shirt as well. Harry only rolls his eyes, not daring to consider what other costumers at the place will think of them.

“I can’t smell anything.” He huffs and then nudges Niall forwards. Niall isn’t all up in Harry’s chest and he’s kind of thankful for that, but only shrugs when he leans back as well.

“Me neither.”

“You’re weird.” Zayn directs at Harry and they all laugh again. Zayn and Niall turn back to their burgers and Harry nudges his nose against his shoulder again. Not his problem when they can’t smell what he _can_.

~

On Tuesday is his next appointment with Liam. His mom took the car to work and isn’t back yet so Harry has to walk there. It’s quite the way and kind of hot outside, so he’s annoyed he has to walk all the way to the office. He thinks how convenient it would be if Louis ran into him right now, because he seems to be good at randomly running into him, but of course that doesn’t happen. Instead, Louis calls.

“Hey sugar pop!” he almost yells through the phone and Harry laughs.

“Hi Louis.”

“How’re you doing today, darling?”

“Quit the stupid nicknames,” Harry laughs. “I’m good. Okay. Just about to, er.. go see, er, a doctor.” He sounds unsure, not knowing how to tell Louis that he’s going to a psychologist. They don’t know each other _that_ well and dropping that bomb carelessly could – _would_ – end badly.

“You feeling poorly?” Louis asks, sounding concerned now.

“Just the headaches.”

“Oh well. That sucks,” Louis concludes.

“Yeah.”

“Yeah. So we should go out again,” Louis prompts and a wide grin creeps onto Harry’s face. He has kind of been waiting for this. For Louis to ask.

“I’d love to,” he replies and he can virtually _hear_ Louis’ face light up at that.

“Okay, good. Me too. I mean—” he’s laughing now. “This weekend maybe? I’ll call you, yes?”

“Yes,” Harry replies, chuckling a little himself. It’s ridiculous how gone he is for that boy already. _Whatever you say_ , he wants to add, but doesn’t in the end. They chat for a little more and hang up once Harry gets to Liam’s office, pressing the button in the elevator several times.

Harry greets Liam’s secretary and takes a seat again while he waits for Liam to call him inside. He hums happily as he gazes out the window, noting that once again his head is clear and feels light. He tells Liam so when he gets into his office and Liam offers him pain killers.

“You don’t have a headache today?” Liam repeats Harry’s words in surprise. Harry shakes his head. “But I thought you said you had a headache every day.”

“I did. I mean I do. I had a headache all morning. But now it’s gone.”

“Well that’s good,” Liam says and puts the painkillers away before taking a seat across from Harry in his own leather arm chair. “So do you know what made the headache go away?” Harry shakes his head. “What were you doing right before it stopped?”

“I…” Harry starts, thinking about his way here. “I was walking here. I was on the phone.”

“With whom?”

“Er,” Harry blushes. “Louis.”

“And Louis is…” Liam prompts and Harry had to lower his head. The doctor’s gaze is intense, not as intense as Louis’, but Harry’d still rather avoid it.

“Harry?” he asks again, but the boy still can’t look at him. “You know I won’t judge you for anything.” He continues an it’s like he knows. He _knows_ who Louis is.

“Except that’s your job,” Harry muttered, still not meeting his eyes. “Judging people. Judging me.”

“My job is to help you, not judge you. I’m not trying to find your faults and then point them out. We’re just here to see if maybe you we can find the reason for your headaches. If maybe you need somebody neutral to talk to. Harry, I am not in any way judging you.” Liam says the last few words slowly, deeply. And he sounds so earnest, so caring Harry wants to believe him. And even if what Liam said was only one of his psychological tricks.. he still has this patient confidentially thing, right? He can’t tell Harry’s mother about Louis. He can’t tell anybody.

Harry takes a deep breath for a moment and then looks at Liam quickly, before lowering his eyes again. “Louis is…my…friend? We kind of only met, like, last week. Or so. And we…went out. And we…kissed.” He tries carefully, gazing up at Liam from underneath his fringe, but Liam doesn’t react at all. Telling him is a lot harder than telling his friends. Harry doesn’t know why.

“So, you like him yeah?” Liam asks and Harry wonder whether he means like like or like _like_. Either way he says yes. “Well, you better keep him around then.” Liam concludes with a small smile and changes the topic.

Harry feels relieved that this is all they’re going to talk about Louis. He doesn’t want Liam judging their relationship any more than he needs to. He just wants to be with Louis and not worry about whether he is good or bad for his psychology. Or whatever disorders he may or may not have.

Louis is good for him, he knows that. Doesn’t need some random person with a medical degree to confirm that.

~

On Saturday they go out. Harry wants to go to the movies, but then Louis convinces him to take advantage of the nice weather outside for once and they go to the park. What Louis can’t convince Harry of is to enjoy the warmth.

“It’s _so_ hot.” Harry complains as Louis nudges him forwards. They have barely gotten to the park and Harry is already being a pain in the arse, he knows it.

“ _You_ ‘re so hot.” Louis shoots back, smacking his bum and alright. Harry is having a good time, he can’t even try and deny it. So he laughs, lets Louis peck his cheek before he runs off. It feels a little bit like going to the park with a toddler instead of with a date, Harry thinks. But Louis is hilarious in the way he runs around, laughing and yelling Harry’s name. It’s surprising really that nobody tells him off, but he’s probably not louder than all the kids that are there as well so yeah.

“Come, Harry!” he yells, but Harry only chuckles and sits down in the shadow of a tree to wait for Louis to calm down a bit. After a few minutes of loud craziness Louis comes over to Harry and plops down next to him, leaning against Harry shoulder. He dramatically gasps for air and wipes imaginary sweat off his forehead.

“You’re crazy,” Harry tells him and Louis only chuckles and then leans up to press a kiss on Harry’s temple.

“You love it,” he retorts and that may just be the thing Louis says back every time Harry tells him he’s crazy or weird or strange. Harry _does_ love it.

Louis shuffles around a bit and then lays down with his head in Harry’s lap and starts blabbering about random things. Harry listens and combs his fingers through his hair. Halfway through another story Louis is telling him, Harry’s phone rings. He pulls it out of his pocket awkwardly, trying to stir Louis as little as possible. Louis had gone silent already though and nods towards him to take the call. Harry glances at the caller ID and the thankfully at the boy in his lap.

“Hey Ni,” he chirps as he answers the phone.

“Harry!” Niall almost yells. “What’s up?”

“Er, nothing much. Just hanging out with, er…with Louis.” Louis looks up at him curiously and Harry keeps brushing through his hair with his free hand. He closes his eyes for a moment, reveling in the feeling.

“Oh,” Niall says suddenly, sounding thrown off. “Well. I was gonna see if you wanted to hang out, but- Yeah, you probably don’t,” he concludes and Harry chuckles.

“Who’s that?” Louis asks, but Harry waves him off.

“Anyways,” Niall starts again, but Harry isn’t really listening because Louis is sitting up now, holding up his hands and making grabby motions towards the phone.

“Who is it, Harry? Who is it?”

“Shush,” Harry scolds.

“What?” Niall asks through the phone.

“I’m talking to Louis, Ni. Sorry, anyways. I gotta go.”

“Yeah, okay,” Niall replies with a laugh. “Go entertain your boyfriend.”

“He’s not—” Harry starts out, but Louis is reaching out for the phone again. “I’ll see you, Niall,” he says quickly and then hangs up.

“I’m not what?” Louis asks, pouting a little as Harry puts his phone away hastily.

“Nothing,” he shushes him, kissing his pouting lips quickly, before sending Louis a smile.

“Who was that?” Louis tries again then and Harry only lets out an exhausted breath. Louis can be exhausting, really, but at least he doesn’t have the stupid headache today.

“That was Niall. He wanted to hang out. I said I was busy.”

“Oh,” Louis’ face lights up a bit at that and he moves around a bit until he’s sitting in Harry’s lap.

“Is he your mate?”

“Yeah.”

“Did you tell him about me? I mean about.. _us_?”

“Yeah, kinda.”

“Did you tell him we were boyfriends?”

“Erm,” Harry blushes a little. “No?” He says, watching Louis’ expression carefully. They never established that they were boyfriends, but he didn’t want to hurt Louis’ feelings either way.

“Are we not?” Louis asks, his eyes growing a little wider in panic.

“No, I mean—we can be. Do you wanna be?”

“I thought we were.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah. Oh.”

They’re both blushing now, staring down at their hands rather than each other’s faces. Louis doesn’t seem angry at least, so Harry thinks maybe he hasn’t fucked this up yet.

They’re silent for a little longer and then Louis looks up at him. “So…” he begins, but then trails off and Harry looks up.

“Yeah, well. We are now?”

“Boyfriends?”

“Yeah?”

“Yes. Yes, okay. Boyfriends,” Louis confirms and then he’s laughing, throwing himself at Harry until they tip over and lay back in the grass.

“Well, that was awkward,” Harry concludes and Louis laughs again, pressing kisses all over Harry’s face. In the end he comes back to his mouth and Harry kisses back. They lay there for a while, kissing lazily. After a while Harry has to remind himself that they’re in public, in a park with children to be exact, and that they have to keep it PG.

When he pulls back Louis is smiling down at him, grinning contently. He pushes himself up until he’s sitting straight, his legs left and right of Harry’s body so he’s straddling his thighs. Harry only lays there and watches him for a while, thinks how beautiful he looks with the sun and puffy clouds in the background.

Just plain beautiful.

~

The next week during his meeting with Liam he tells him that Louis and him are boyfriends now. Liam gives him a wide smile.

“Well, I’m happy for you two,” He says and Harry thinks he means it.”Did your headache go away again? When you were with him, maybe?” Liam continues asking and harry tilts his head.

“Yeah, I—I never have a headache when I’m with him.”

“Never?” Liam asks, but he doesn’t sound surprised or scandalized or anything. He just wants to know.

“I don’t think so.”

“Have you told him that?”

“Yes, he knows. I didn’t really need to tell him. He just… _knew_.” Harry says with a shrug. He knows it sounds a little dodgy when he says it like this, but it’s true. There is so many things Louis just _knows_. Harry will hint at something and Louis will understand it right away. Maybe that’s how true love is defined.

“Okay.” Liam nods. “Have you told your mom yet?”

“Erm, no.”

“Your mates?”

“Yeah, I told them the other day about Louis’ and my date. And then yesterday at school I told them we were dating now.” Harry says almost proudly.

“Good.” Liam nods again. “So what did they say?”

“They’re happy. Zayn has had his girlfriend since _forever_ and Niall just—” he stops in search for words. But screw it, Liam can’t tell anyone anyways. “Niall likes to be single and enjoy all women.” That should do it. Liam nods again. “Anyways, they’re just happy that I’ve finally found someone who makes me happy as well. It’s good.”

“So Zayn and Niall are straight, right?” Liam asks then, taking Harry by surprise.

“Yes.”

“Has there ever been a problem? Been the lot of you? Because of you…not being straight?”

Harry furrows his brows. “No. They’re my mates. They love me for who I am; not for who I love.” He replies and Liam smiles at that.

“Alright,” he claps his hands together. “Why don’t you tell me about Zayn and Niall then for a bit? We talk about Louis and your parents all the time,” he reasons and Harry nods.

And so they talk about Zayn and Niall for a bit. They talk about them the next week too and then change the topic again. Every week Harry tells Liam about Louis and what they were up to in the past days. He tells him about school and about his family. It almost surprises him, but he starts liking to go see Liam every week to talk to him. Conversation with him feels easy after a while. And the complicated things with school or little fights with his mom feels better once he has talked about them.

Harry even tries talking to Louis the way he talks with Liam, but it doesn’t quite work because Louis just _knows_ and Harry feels stupid telling him things he’s already aware of. Liam is just different and Harry is glad his mom made him go see him all those weeks ago.

Liam has soon become one of the people who knows most about Harry and about his relationship with Louis. In the beginning it was awkward, talking about the physical side of their relation ship, but they got there. Liam never made him talk, but listened willingly as Harry stammered through the description of their first hand jobs. Liam didn’t ask questions and Harry was _so_ thankful.

But he is over that now and Liam knows all about the first “I love you” and the times that Louis sleeps over without Harry’s mom knowing. The grinding, the blow jobs, the fingering. Even the rimming, though they had only done that once and Harry spared Liam the details even though he said he didn’t mind.

Liam keeps telling him how good he is doing and that everything is alright. The only thing he keeps pushing about is to tell his mom about Louis. To at least tell her about Louis as a friend.

“Do you think your mom has a problem with you dating a boy?” Liam asks one day and Harry squirms in his seat. He doesn’t know and he also kind of doesn’t want to find out with the possibility there that she is going to hate him. Or Louis.

“She doesn’t need to know,” Harry tells him and from the look in Liam’s eyes he knows he is disappointed. Another very shrinky thing Liam keeps doing. He doesn’t get angry or upset or anything. Only disappointed, which is so much worse. Stupid puppy eyes.

“I think she does, Harry,” he says. “She tells you about her relationship with Robin, right? She’s honest with you. You should be too.”

“That’s not what this is about.” Harry says defensively.

“I think it is,” Liam says. Harry is silent again and Liam is watching him for a while. “What about Zayn or Niall? Have they met Louis yet?”

Harry flinches a bit and then closes his eyes, too scared of the look he’s going to get when he looks at Liam. He will be so disappointed. He always is. Louis and Harry have been dating for a few months now and Harry knows he should let other people meet Louis. But…

“I haven’t met Louis’ family or mates either yet! It’s not that important to us,” he says forcefully.

“Don’t you think your mates maybe _want_ to meet Louis?” Liam says thoughtfully and Harry frowns at him, because.. dead on. _Right_ on. Niall and Zayn are practically begging Harry to meet Louis, but something always comes up. And somehow Harry isn’t really sure whether he wants them to meet him.

And _of course_ Liam can tell.

“Why Harry?” he asks. “Are you protecting him? Are you ashamed of him?”

“No!” Harry yells and he gives Liam credit for the fact that he doesn’t even flinch. “No! Louis is the most precious thing in my _life_. I just- I don’t want him- I don’t _need_ him meeting my friends or my family to be with me. He’s _my_ boyfriend, he’s in love with _me_.” he spits, clenching his fists together.

“Okay, Harry.” Liam says soothingly. He waits a moment and gives harry time to calm down before he speaks again. “Are you afraid somebody is gonna take Louis away from you? That you’re gonna lose him?”

Harry doesn’t reply.

“Are you seeing your other friends enough, Harry?”

Still no answer.

“Are you keeping up with school?”

“What does that have to do with it?”

“You’re spending a lot of time with Louis. I want you to make sure it’s not _too_ much.”

~

Liam is right. Harry has been spending a lot of time with Louis. But he wants to, so that’s okay.

Louis wants to too. School is going okay. There’s nothing to complain about.

But Harry does remind himself that he goes to see Liam for a reason. And even if that reason are actually his headache, he still feels like he should take Liam’s advice. He only wants his best after all, so there is that. He doesn’t tell Liam but he makes a silent promise to himself to go see Niall and Zayn more often.

And so the next day he chats them up at school, asks to hang out on Saturday and maybe have a sleepover after that. They seem a little surprised – and it breaks Harry’s heart to see that his _best mates_ are surprised to hear he wants to hang out with them – but agree anyways and so everything is good. They make plans to go to the movie during the day and for the night Niall offers his place to stay at. The three all grin at each other before they part ways to their separate classes again and Harry feels actually kind of happy that Liam pointed out to him how little time he was spending with Niall and Zayn.

Louis on the other is everything _but_ happy about that. He comes to see harry on Thursday night when Harry’s mom is out and they cuddle up in Harry’s bed. Louis is stroking the exposed skin on Harry’s stomach languidly as he brings up their weekend plans.

“I’m, er, actually…busy. This weekend.” Harry says shakily.

“Really?” Louis asks, turning his head to face him. “What you doing?”

“Erm,” Harry hesitates again, biting his bottom lip. Louis and him always spend their weekends together. Mostly because Harry is busy during the week with school and all that and also his mother home most of those days. “I have plans with Zayn. And Niall.”

“Oh,” is all Louis says as he turns his head back down to face away from Harry. He doesn’t say anything other than that but Harry can sense that he is angry.

“Louis, babe, I—”

“No.” Louis interrupts. “I understand.”

He doesn’t and Harry knows. He knows like Louis just _knows_ sometimes, but that’s okay. He bends down to press a kiss on Louis’ hair and then pulls him even closer, cuddles him even closer until he can feel Louis’ heartbeat against his own chest. It’s comfortable. It’s how they are.

~

It doesn’t stay comfortable for long however, because as it turns out is Louis even worse with spending time apart than expected. When he doesn’t see Harry all weekend he doesn’t stop ringing him all Saturday while he’s hanging out with his Zayn and Niall. Harry texts back the first few times but tries to ignore it afterwards. Zayn and Niall only give him a few pointed looks, but don’t say anything and Harry is thankful for that. It’s hard enough already to abandon his boyfriend all weekend long, he doesn’t need his friend stressing out about it as well.

Monday at school he feels like he made the right decision hanging out with Niall and Zayn some more again. They’re laughing and joking together talking about the past weekend and it feels like _them_ again. It’s great.

Tuesday however, things don’t look all that bright anymore. When he leaves school his head is throbbing worse than ever and he really only wants to get home quickly. As soon as he steps outside the building though he can see Louis standing by the gate, waiting for him. Harry huffs out a frustrated breath and makes his way towards his not-so-happy looking boyfriend. He has an appointment with Liam in a little bit, and really no time for shit right now.

“Hey,” he greets as he gets closer, already feeling the pressure in his head getting less. Louis only stands there, his arms crossed in front of his chest and so Harry bends down to press a quick kiss onto his cheek. He grumbles angrily, but follow Harry as he starts walking.

“So,” Louis prompts after a while. “How was your weekend?”

“Good,” Harry says with a smile. “But I missed you.”

“Couldn’t tell. Maybe I would have if you had answered my _texts,_ ” he says accusingly and Harry rolls his eyes. Some students are passing them, shooting weird looks in their direction. Probably because they don’t know Louis, Harry thinks. Or maybe they saw him kiss Louis earlier. But he doesn’t care.

“Stop pouting,” Harry scolds his boyfriend as they leave the school grounds. “It doesn’t suit you.”

“I’m fucking fabulous,” Louis mutters. “Leave me alone.”

Expect that’s not what he wants at all. Because if he did that would go perfectly with Harry’s schedule today. But Louis has to act all special – of course – and follows Harry back to the house.

“Okay, so, you wanna hang out later or something?” Harry asks when he pushes through the front door and drops his bag almost immediately.

“Later?” Louis shoots back, already taking a seat on the kitchen counter. Harry grabs a glass and drinks some water while Louis watches him.

“Yeah, I can’t stay,” he explains as he makes his way back to the front door. “I’m gonna go see Liam.” he says and grabs the keys from his mom’s car. She didn’t take it today so he can spare himself the walk to Liam’s office.

“Who’s Liam?” Louis asks in an are-you-fucking-kidding-me-tone, his eyes blinking open wide.

“My doctor. Louis, look. I _really_ don’t have time right now. I’ll see you in a bit though, yeah?” he prompts and kisses Louis quickly before walking over to the car and around it to climb in. When he buckles up his own seat belt the passenger door is opened and Louis gets in.

“I’m coming with you,” he says determinedly and Harry contemplates discussing this with him, but he really, _really_ doesn’t have time left to spare so he curses and then glares at Louis as he drives off.

“You’ll stay in the car.”

Of course Louis does _not_ stay in the car. He climbs out as soon as they get there and quietly trails after Harry. He has grown less angry it seems and Harry is glad Louis at least keeps his mouth shut.

When they get on the elevator and Harry pushed the button of the second floor Louis stares at the little card with Liam’s name on it forever. He doesn’t ask any questions, but Harry can virtually hear him think, hear the load of questions that build up in his brain.

_Yeah,_ Harry thinks. _Psychological therapist. He’s gonna think I’m a freak._

When the elevator halts and Harry walks out Louis follows him close behind, hooking one of his fingers through a belt loop on Harry’s pants to hold onto him. Harry lets him.

“Hello Harry,” the secretary greets and Harry waves at him before taking a seat. Louis sits down on the couch next to him, looking around curiously. He’s wiggling in his seat nervously and tugging on Harry’s arm.

“Louis, _please_.” Harry scolds him with a stern look.

“Everything okay, Harry?” The secretary asks again and Harry looks up from Louis to send the other man a smile.

“Yeah sure, thanks.” He says before turning back around to face Louis. He doesn’t say anything but only cock an eyebrow at him.

“Don’t look at me like that.” Louis says defensively waving his hand through the air. “When were you going to tell me about this? _Were_ you going to tell me about this? At all? A psychologist, Harry?”

Harry doesn’t reply.

“How long have you been going? _Why_ are you going? Is it—have I—I mean, am I…am I doing something wrong? You know you can talk to me, right? Right, Harry? Baby.” he nudges Harry’s head up now to look at him.

“Louis, let’s just…talk about it later- or something,” he says scooting back a little.

The door behind him opens and Liam steps out looking down at him. “Hey Harry,” he says, not even granting Louis a look. “You can come in now.”

Harry gets up and follows him. So does Louis.

“No please,” Harry sees as Louis wants to follow him into Liam’s office.

“What?” the doctor asks, but Harry ignores him, clearly not having talked to him.

“Please leave. Louis, I promise we’ll talk later but right now is a bad time.” he says slowly one more time, nudging Louis back towards the door.

“Why can’t I stay?”

“I’ll tell you later, yeah? Please, go.” And with those words he pushes Louis out the door and closes it behind him. When he turns back around Liam is staring at him. “Sorry,” He mumbles and goes to take a seat in one of the arm chairs.

“Was that…” Liam starts, still staring at the door. “Was that Louis?”

“Yes,” Harry says, not quite understanding what the doctor is fussing about.

“Is he…gone?” he asks again tentatively and Harry furrows his brows at him.

“Obviously,” He says gesturing towards the empty room. “But he’ll be waiting outside, I suppose. He hasn’t _left_ me or anything,” he adds quickly. “He’s just…a little upset. I, er, I took your advice. From last time. To spend more time with other people. And I spent the weekend with Zayn and Niall and we went to the movies and had a sleep over. He’s just mad I didn’t go out with him,” Harry says with a shrug. A little moody Louis was nothing he couldn’t handle. Or fix.

“Right,” Liam says mindlessly and his eyes are twitching like he’s deep in thought. Or like his entire life is just passing him. “Why don’t we talk about him a little more then?” he offers and Harry half shrugs, half nods, waiting for Liam’s next question.

“Okay, so. You said you haven’t met Louis’ parents or mates yet, have you?”

“No,” Harry admits shaking his head.

“And you still haven’t introduced him to your mates? Or mom? I reckon.”

“Er, no,” Harry says again. He thought he made it pretty clear last week that he doesn’t want to anyways.

“So, then…how’s Louis with other people? Is he…good with kids?”

“I don’t…I don’t actually know,” Harry says with a shrug. “We don’t tend to go on date on the playground.” He rolls his eyes at Liam.

“Right,” Liam laughs brokenly. “What about other people? Is he open and talkative or reserved and shy?”

“I—” Harry starts and thinks for a moment. “I mean he came and talked to _me_ out of nowhere, so he can’t be all that shy. But obviously he doesn’t go and chat up other people when he’s out with me. So I wouldn’t know really,” he says, shrugging again and wondering why they were even talking about this. He thought they stopped talking about Louis all the time. Well apparently not.

“Alright,” Liam says again, nodding slowly and in a very shrink-ish way. “Have you ever noticed anything… _strange_ about Louis? Like—people ignoring him randomly?”

“What?” Harry asks back, frowning at his doctor now. “Your questions are fucking weird today.”

“Yeah,” Liam sort of agrees and Harry chuckles at that. “Why don’t you come back next week? And bring your mom. And Louis maybe?”

Harry furrows his brows again. “Come back next week? I got here like two minutes ago.”

“Yes, I’m sorry,” Liam says, but doesn’t explain any further.

“So come again next week then?” Harry asks and Liam nods.

“And bring your mom. And Louis if he would like to.”

“Okay,” Harry says carefully. “But you can’t…tell Louis. About what I told you, you know.”

“No, I know,” Liam says. “Of course I wouldn’t say anything you told me without your consent.”

“Would do you want to tell him then? And my mom?”

“I—” Liam hesitates. “I would like to tell your mom about Louis. We can say he is a friend, she doesn’t need to know the real depth of your relationship.” He watches Harry for a moment.

“Fine,” the boy agrees after a moment of silence. “But if she rips my head off after this, then it’s _your_ fault,” he tells him seriously.

“I don’t think she will.” Liam says back, just as seriously, but unusually touched.

~

Harry’s mom is confused when he asks her to come to his nest meeting with Liam. She asks if everything is alright and Harry nods long enough for her to agree to come along. She has to change some shifts for work, but promises to be there with him no matter what.

So the next week she comes and picks him up after school and they ride to Liam’s office together. Harry asked Louis to come as well, but asked him to meet them there. After all Harry’s mom didn’t know him yet. Louis agrees and Harry texts him the address and time.

But of course Louis is running late and once Harry and his mom get off the elevator and into the lounge in front of Liam’s office the room is empty save for the assistant who’s greeting Harry and his mom with a polite smile. They take seats and it doesn’t take long before Liam opens his office door and steps out to greet them.

“Hey Harry,” he says casually. “Mrs. Cox.” They shake hands.

“Nice to meet you Dr. Payne.”

“The pleasure is all mine,” Liam says sounding very formal. “Okay, so. Why don’t I talk to you for a bit first and then Harry and- and Harry can come join as in a bit,” he finishes hesitantly.

“Okay,” Harry’s mom replies and steps past Liam into the office.

“He, er,” Harry says quickly as soon as his mom is out of hearing range. “He’s running late, but he’ll be here in a bit.”

“No, of course,” Liam says with a smile. “I’m gonna have a chat with your mom and then we’ll come out in a bit and see you and Louis.” And with those words he’s off into the office and the door closes behind him.

Harry takes a seat again and plays around with his phone for a while. His headache is so annoying and he can’t wait for Louis to get there finally. He can’t really explain why, but it really is true that his headache only ever goes away when Louis is with him. It doesn’t make sense, Harry knows, but he likes it anyways.

“Hey darling,” Louis says when he’s suddenly standing in front of him a few minutes later. Harry looks up at him quickly. He hadn’t even heard the elevator doors open.

“Hey Lou,” he says back and smiles when Louis bends down to peck his lips. He takes a seat close next to him and tangles their fingers together, grinning up at Harry after a moment.

“You okay?” Harry wants to know, half honestly curious, half trying to tease his boyfriend for his clingy behavior.

“Yeah, now that I’m here.” He smiles widely. “How’s your head?”

“Better, now that _you_ ‘re here,” Harry replies and Louis’ smile grows even wider. He leans forwards to press a kiss against Harry’s forehead.

“So, why am I here?” he wants to know, but Harry can do is shrug at that.

“Don’t really know. Liam said to ask you and my mom to come join us next time.” They haven’t really talked about Liam and the reason why Harry goes to see him yet. Louis had had a gazillion questions after they had left last week, but Harry only shook his head, buying himself some time on how to tell Louis. But right now Louis looks curious again, questioning and Harry squirms around in his seat.

“You can tell me,” Louis urges him, sensing his boyfriend’s discomfort. “I mean, how bad can it be? Are you a psychopath and mass murder?” Harry snorts at that. “Didn’t think so,” Louis supplies unhelpfully, but it puts a smile on Harry’s lips nevertheless.

“You’re not really gonna make me guess, are you?” Louis wonders out loud. Harry doesn’t reply, but a small smile is still tugging on his lips. “Okay, so are you…bipolar? Suicidal? Do you hear voices? Come on, Harry, help me. I’m not exactly aces in psychology.”

“I couldn’t tell,” Harry says laughing.

“So, what is it then?” Louis prompts again and Harry bites his bottom lip until it turns white under the pressure.

“It’s.. it’s really just the headache. Mom thinks I’m pressured or whatever,” he says quietly, not daring to look up at Louis. The smaller boy is quiet as well and Harry doesn’t know how to interpret that. “Sorry it’s not the shocking story you were anticipating,” he finally adds in an attempt to lighten up the mood.

Louis is laughing then and Harry looks up at him carefully. The smaller boy slings his arms around him and pulls him closer until they’re face to face, their forehead leaning together.

“Thank you for telling me,” Louis says, sounding incredibly earnest.

“I love you,” Harry replies and they’re smiling.

“Harry?” Liam asks from behind him and they break away, blushing lightly. Harry looks at him and sees that his om is standing with him, looking strange. She holding onto her purse for her dear life and her eyes are wide and maybe a little red.

“I, er—” Harry begins, worried that Liam told his mom more than he said he would. His mom looks so shocked, so taken aback. “What—what is it?” He tries and the smile on Liam’s face is oddly reassuring.

“Harry, I would like you to join me and your mom. We’d like to talk on how we’re going to proceed your…er, meetings. Louis can join us of course,” he then adds and steps back inside. Harry’s mom as looking at him for a moment and he blushes under her gaze, turning around to face Louis quickly.

“Do you wanna…?” he begins but trails off, pointing towards the office behind him.

“No, I shouldn’t,” he says, squeezing Harry’s hand. “Unless you want me to.”

“You don’t have to.”

“Good. Then I’ll just wait here,” he offers with a smile. Harry smiles back at him for a moment and then gets up. His mom is still standing in the doorway, looking more shocked than before, but Harry tries to ignore it as they both walk into the office.

Liam tells them to sit and then exchanges a look with Harry’s mom before turning towards him.

“So Harry,” he begins seriously. “You’ve been making great progess here with me. But I don’t think your headaches are a solely psychological…phenomenon.” He pauses for a moment and Harry furrows his brows in confusion.

“That means..?”

“That means that I suggested to your mom that you should go see a neurologist. Make sure that there’s no…defect…or anything. And when we get that out of the clear we can continue our weekly sessions. I just want to be sure.”

“You think I have brain defects?” Harry asks incredulously. He is not even all that offended. It just honestly never occurred to him.

“No,” Liam says calmly. “This is just about ruling everything else out.” He smiles and it’s warm and welcoming, but not honest.

“Okay,” Harry allows suspiciously. His mom lets out a breath Harry doesn’t know how to interpret.

“We have a very good neurologist a few stories up. I’m gonna ask my assistant to call him and make an appointment for you, yeah?” Liam offers and Harry nods wordlessly.

~

Harry gets the feeling that there is _something_ Liam is telling him about. His mom is suddenly walking on eggshells around him, telling him off for being on the computer too long and spending too much time alone. Well, he isn’t really alone, he just tells her he is so he can spend time with Louis. But that’s what it was like for the past half year so Harry isn’t going to change anything now that his mom is a little pissy about it.

His appointment with the neurologist is at the end of next week and comes faster than expected. Harry’s mom is with him again, moving more working shifts around. Harry feels a bit bad for dragging his mom into this and tells him she doesn’t need to come, but she insists.

It feels weird, he thinks, when he gets to the huge warm building he had grown so familiar with, when he doesn’t go to see Liam. They’re in the elevator and his mom pushes the button for the forth floor.

While they wait on their doctor Harry texts Louis and asks if he’s up for doing something that night. It’s a Friday after all and they haven’t really been out together in a while. Louis’ reply comes fast.

From: Louis

“ _Yappadoooo, I would love toooo! I’ll come pick you up when you’re done. Loveyoustagram xx”_

And Harry is laughing at that, because his boyfriend is just _so stupid_. He loves it.

“I’m hanging out with Louis tonight,” he tells his mom as he puts his phone away. It feels oddly good to finally be able to tell her that. He still doesn’t tell her every single time he sees him, because that probably make her doubt whether they were _just_ friends, but every now and then – like today – he tells her the truth.

“Okay,” she says, but she doesn’t sound like she is. He is about to question it when the doors of the waiting room open and a nurse announces his name. He gets up and follows her to a small room where she tell him to take his jeans off and any jewelery.

A few minutes later she comes back and leads him into another room where the scan-machine-thing is. They told Harry the name earlier on, but he doesn’t remembers. Some letter, he thinks. MRA or MRE or something like that.

She makes him lay down and tells him how everything is going to go down. He listens and nods in the appropriate places.

Forty minutes later he is back in the waiting room, dressed in all his clothes again. They told him to wait another short moment so the doctor can have a look at the pictures and then talk to him.

When another nurse comes to fetch them she takes them into a different room with a large computer on a desk and a few chairs waiting for them. They take their seats and a moment later now only an elderly woman in a white coat, but also Liam comes walking inside.

“Liam,” Harry greets him with excitement.

“Hey Harry,” the doctor greets him casually and then lets the neurologist take over as she introduces herself and loads the pictures on the computer.

“Okay,” she starts out after a moment, pulling one of the pictures up onto the screen. “I have good and bad news.” Harry looks at the picture. It looks like the display of a brain he had seen at school before, except for the bright colors in this one. Different areas are colored differently and he can’t make anything of it.

“Bad news first,” Harry’s mom says shakily next to him, watching the doctors not the picture.

The neurologist takes a breath. “This right here,” she points at a little dark pink area close to the front “is a tumor.”

Harry blinks at her with big eyes.

“Good news though, it’s operable and we’ve had a lot of success removing this kind of tumor,” she continues, but Harry doesn’t really hear her.

“I have a brain tumor?” he asks incredulously. “But I’m normal! I don’t—like—have seizures or can’t talk. I’m—I’m fine.”

“Harry…” she begins aimlessly. To his left his mom is gulping loudly, wiping silent tears from her cheeks. This couldn’t be true.

“Listen, Harry,” Liam begins and moves closer to the computer. “This part of your brain,” he points out the area in which the tumor lies, “is responsible for your metabolism. A defect in that specific area can have multiple symptoms. Your metabolism has to do with your hormonal system, so it can basically influence any part of your body. So…your headaches for example.”

Liam pauses for a moment and Harry lets those information sink in. Brain tumor. Brain tumor equals headaches. This can’t be true.

“It can also influence your vision, your sense of hearing or other senses. It’s what we generally call…hallucinations.”

“ _Hallucinations_?” Harry is laughing now. “I don’t _have_ hallucinations. I mean, I don’t hear voices or whatever.”

Next to him his mom is only crying harder.

“Harry, what—what is the only thing to make your headaches go away?” Liam asks tentatively.

“Louis,” Harry replies right away. Liam hesitates.

“And nobody has ever _seen_ Louis. You don’t have a picture, nobody has spoken to him on the phone. Harry, you—”

“What? No!” he says right away, laughing again, a little desperate now. “I— _you_ have seen him. Mom has seen him,” he tries to defend himself. Everyone goes quiet and they’re simply looking at him.

“You can’t be serious.” he says, feeling like the world is slipping from his hands. Louis cannot be a hallucination. He had to be real. Harry has touched him, has kissed him. They talk and they go out and you can’t do that with _thin air_.

“Harry,” Liam says slowly in an attempt to calm him. “When you brought Louis to my office.. I couldn’t see him. Your mom couldn’t see him. I even ask Christopher, my assistant. He couldn’t either.”

“No,” Harry yells now, jumping up from his so forcefully it tips back and lands on the ground.

“No! No. I don’t know what sick game this is, but—but—it’s not true! No!” he steps back when his mom reaches out for his arm in an attempt to calm him down.

“Leave me, stop!” he yells and steps back, watching the scene in front of him in horror. His mom, Liam and the neurologist are all watching him with calm and apologizing looks. He can’t take this.

And before he knows what he’s doing he’s jumping up and running. Running down the hall and out of the neurology office. He skips past the elevator and takes the stairs instead, just needs to get out. He doesn’t know if anybody is following him, but he doesn’t care. Can’t care with the headache in his temple throbbing worse than ever, making him pant even worse.

When he leaves the building he rips his phone out of his pocket and stares at the screen for a few long seconds before flicking through his contacts, looking for Louis. He has to be there. He _has_ to.

But the more he scrolls the less he can see, because he’s crying now. Desperate tears running down his cheeks and he can’t help but sobs loudly when he sees Liam approaching him from the front door of the building. The doctor takes him phone from him, puts his arms around Harry’s long torso and rocks him back and forth a bit, lets him crying against his chest until everything goes black.

~

When Harry wakes up again he’s laid down in a bed. But the mattress isn’t soft like his own and the pillow isn’t fluffy either. He doesn’t need to open his eyes to connect the distinct smell of sanitizer to the hospital. He opens his eyes anyways to look at all the white around him. White blanket, walls, chairs. For a moment he fears they may have taken him to mental institution, but he isn’t strapped to the bed and there’s a window and a balcony across from the door, so no. Hospital it is.

He jumps a little in his bed when the door opens and a nurse comes walking in.

“You’re awake,” she notes with a smile. “Good, there’s two people outside who want to visit you.”

Harry doesn’t answer and only nods lightly when she looks at him hesitantly. He doesn’t want to get his hopes up and wish for Louis to come visit him, but he’s disappointed nevertheless when the doors opens again after the nurse had left and Zayn and Niall walk in. It’s logical he tells himself. She probably couldn’t even see Louis. That though makes him want to vomit his brain out. His brain, not the stupid tumor.

“Hey,” Niall says quietly, pulling Harry back into reality.

“Hi,” Harry greets, feeling defeated. He wonders whether Liam asked Niall and Zayn to come and talk to him.

The two boys stand hesitantly by the door, sharing a glance.

“Come in, sit down. I’m normal,” Harry says almost annoyed and waves them over. “He’s not here if that’s what you’re worried about.” They don’t reply, but Harry can see Niall let out a breath and Zayn takes two steps forwards to plop down in a seat. It’s silent again for a moment and the all share a look.

“So,” Niall prompts after a while and Harry takes a deep breath.

“So apparently I’ve been fucking thin air.” Zayn laughs at that and Niall cracks a smile and Harry is happy to break the tension.

“No, but seriously,” Zayn says after a moment. “Your mom only said that.. you have, er, hallucinations?” The looks he gives Harry is just about as desperate and helpless as Harry feels.

“Yeah, I don’t know,” he says with a shrug. “I—yeah. Apparently that’s the reason you never met him. It’s just—It’s so weird, you know,” he continues. “We were out together and I took him to the movie and to get food and.. to think that he was never actually _there_ ,” his voice breaks a little and Niall scoots closer to grab his hand “I mean—what—what would people think? I’m, I’m buying food for my imaginary friend and then I talk to… _nothing_. I’m just—I’m not crazy.”

“No, you’re not,” Zayn says calmly, scooting closer as well. “We don’t think you are. And we’re sorry about…Louis.”

“Yeah,” Niall agrees. “We would love to, you know, meet him. If we could,” he adds quickly and awkwardly, giving Harry a crooked grin.

“It’s okay,” Harry tells him. “I know it’s super odd.” Niall grins.

“Do you wanna, like, talk about it?” Zayn offers and Harry smiles sadly.

“Don’t I talk about him all the time?”

“Yeah, but. You could tell us what he looks like?”

And Harry wants to cry when Zayn says that. Not because he’s sad or because he hasn’t seen Louis since he’s been to the hospital and fears that they have taken the tumor out already without asking him first. It makes him want to cry, because his friends are such good mates and for God’s sake he’s dating some dude his fucked up brain has come up with and they still wanna meet him.

Harry snivels a bit. “He—he is short. Shorter than me, but so strong. And he has those lovely blue eyes and really soft soft hair. It’s brown. And feathery. He has a really nice chest and- and-” he chuckles through his tears “a really juicy behind. Don’t tell him I said that,” he adds and then he realizes how _absurd_ the whole situation is and more tears roll down his cheeks as he keeps laughing.

Niall is chuckling too a bit now and wipes away some of his tears with his free hand.

“I’m sorry,” Harry apologizes and he doesn’t only mean crying, but _everything_. The whole situation.

“Don’t be,” Zayn scolds. He and Niall are both smiling sadly at Harry, rubbing his hand and his cheek to calm him. Harry smiles back at them through his tears and silently thanks God or whatever higher power for the great friends that he has.

A knock on the balcony door distracts him and he turns his head to look. Louis is standing there, waving shyly at him. Harry feels his headache ease and wants to roll his eyes at Louis, but he can’t. He feels way too relieved that Louis is still there. That he cans till see him.

“Harry?” Zayn asks carefully and Harry turns his head to look back as his friends. Their gazes wander back and forth in between Harry’s face and the balcony door. “Is he—?”

“Yeah,” Harry admits, a few more tears running down his cheeks. Next thing he knows Louis is sitting on the bed with him, wiping away the tears for him.

“Stop crying,” he says, kissing Harry’s cheek.

“I can’t,” Harry says back quietly, desperately trying not to appear crazy in front of his friends, but Louis is _right there_. How can they _not_ see him?

“Is that Niall and Zayn?” Louis asks and Harry nods.

“Niall, Zayn,” he sort of introduces as he points at them. Louis only nods, but Zayn and Niall look up at him.

“Hi,” Zayn says awkwardly and then “Can he hear us?”

“Yeah,” Harry laughs. “Of course” he wants to add, but he doesn’t.

“Harry says you have a juicy behind,” Niall says loudly and Zayn is laughing at him. Louis turns and pulls him eyebrows up and looks expectantly as Harry as if to ask “ _Me?_ ” Harry only laughs with them and tries to react as little as possible to what Louis is doing, because that must be so weird for Niall and Zayn, but it’s hard. It’s especially hard when Louis starts tickling him while peppering small pecks all over his face.

“Okay, no,” Harry says, trying to push Louis off. “Enough, stop.” Louis is laughing at him and cuddles up against his chest. Harry lets him, winding an arm around his shoulder and then gazing up at his two best mates.

“Sorry,” he says again as they’re watching him with big eyes.

“Don’t be,” Zayn replies again. “It’s…interesting really. It’s cute. He seems like…a good lad?”

“I am,” Louis says, but Harry ignores it.

“Yeah,” he agrees with Zayn instead.

They just sit together for a while and Louis doesn’t move any more than he needs to. Harry is glad he kind of tries to behave.

A couple minutes later Zayn and Niall say their goodbyes and promise to come visit again. Niall even yells a quick “Bye, Louis,” before they close the door behind them and Harry’s eyes go blurry from all the fondness he’s feeling.

“So,” Louis says as soon as the door is shut firmly and Harry blinked away the blurriness from his eyes. “Brain tumor.” And Harry really shouldn’t be surprised. Of course Louis _knows_.

“Yeah,” he says sadly, pulling Louis even closer.

“What-” Louis hesitates for a moment. “What happens when they.. take it out?”

“I don’t know,” Harry sniffs and then there’s tears again. Louis doesn’t wipe them away this time and only rests his head against Harry’s chest. Their fingers intertwine and it feels so real. It feels so real he honestly can’t believe that Louis isn’t there. Maybe he’s the only one who is healthy, he thinks. Maybe everyone else is just sick. Maybe everybody else is missing this special part of their brain that Harry has.

They lay together for hours, or that’s what it feels like at least. Harry can feel his own heartbeat against Louis’ chest. How it speeds and slows depending on whether Harry is calm or crying again. At least he doesn’t have a headache.

A soft knock on the door causes both Harry and Louis to turn their heads and gaze at the man in the doorway.

“Hey,” Liam says softly. “Can I come in?” he asks with a suspicious glance at Harry’s tear-streaked face. Harry only nods as a reply and Louis shifts a little bit so his chin is resting against Harry’s chest and he can watch both his boyfriend and the doctor at the same time.

Liam takes a seat and then looks at Harry sadly. “Is he here?” he asks, causing more tears to stream down Harry’s face. Because Louis is so painfully obviously there, resting across Harry’s chest. Why can’t he see him?

Harry nods.

“Has he told you to stop crying?”

Harry nods again.

“Good,” Liam says with a small smile. “Then do so.”

Harry swallows and tries to blink away some of the tears.

“I want to talk to you about the tumor. I don’t know if Louis wants to stay…?” he trails off and looks at Harry warmly. Harry looks down at Louis who is still resting with his chin pressed against Harry’s chest.

“I’ll stay with you,” he whispers and Harry swallows.

“He’ll stay,” Harry tells Liam who nods quickly.

“Okay, so. The neurologist already told you, the tumor is operable. That means that we can remove it. Brain surgery comes with risks, as every surgery does. If things go wrong you could die during the process,” he pauses and looks at Harry. “But without the surgery you will day either way. Soon. The tumor is suppressing important metabolic functions in your body. You’re lucky we found it so soon. The neurologist is content that there won’t be any permanent damage.”

“I don’t wanna do it,” Harry says as soon as Liam finishes.

“But Harry—” Liam sighs. “Your mom already agreed to the surgery, so—”

“I’m of legal age,” Harry interrupts. “My mom can’t make decisions over my body.” Louis flinches a little against his chest.

“Harry, you—you _need_ this surgery. You need to have it. I really don’t want to go there, but—this is a special case and you’re judgment is…clouded. If you said no, I would still advice the doctors to—”

“You’d declare me as _insane_?” Harry interrupts again. Louis positively flinches now.

Liam makes a face. “You’re not insane, Harry. But if you weren’t emotionally attached to…”

“Louis.”

“No, Harry. The tumor. Stop thinking of it as your boyfriend. It’s a tumor. It’s going to kill you.”

“So basically,” Harry sniffs, trying to suppress more tears “You’re not even giving me a chance.”

“I’m giving you the chance to say goodbye to Louis,” Liam offers sadly and now Harry is the one to flinch. He can’t do this. Carefully he glances down his chest until his eyes meet Louis’ who’s are wide and blue and endlessly sad.

“You have to do it,” he whispers, kissing Harry’s palm. Harry blinks again, trying to get the stupid tears to go away.

“If I…did it,” he starts, gazing at Liam cautiously. “Would Louis…would—would he be gone for sure?” he asks, even though he dreads the answer.

“If the surgery is successful, yes,” Liam says calmly. His answer only brings more tears to Harry’s eyes. He is full on crying again now and he wonders how much more he is going to have to cry before his body has no water left to spare. No tears left to shed.

Louis is kissing his palm again, murmuring quiet nonsense while Harry cries. After a while Liam gets up and excuses himself out, saying again how sorry he feels for Harry and his situation. It doesn’t help though and Harry only cries harder when the door clicks shut behind Liam and Louis presses against his chest.

~

Louis stays with Harry all day, because really who’s going to kick an imaginary person out? Harry is caught between being bitter and sad, hating on everyone who dares to enter the room and crying helplessly into Louis’ hair and shoulder. The smaller boy is there for him and holds him and lets him cry. He doesn’t say a lot, because there really aren’t a lot of comforting things to say. But the silence is fine, Harry likes it.

He likes to focus on the feel of Louis’ body against his, warm and soft, and the sound of his regular breathing. The smell of his hair and the way his fingers curl into Harry’s ratty shirt. It’s only the two of them and Harry can’t help but think that it’s kind of like it always is. Always was.

When a nurse comes in and brings dinner for Harry he gives her a half smile but doesn’t even look at the food. Louis nudges him towards the tray.

“Come on,” he urges. “It’s my last meal.” Harry gives him a pointed look to let him know that is _not_ funny, but Louis giggles away anyways.

“Fine, leave it then,” he gives in after a while, still giggling but leaving the tray alone in favor of snuggling up against Harry again. Harry wraps his long arms around him and noses along his neck. They lay in silence again and Harry carefully kisses up Louis’ neck.

“You know what the hardest part is?” he mumbles against the soft skin. Louis hums quietly in curious response. “I still think they’re gonna come back at any moment and tell me that it was all a joke. A stupid prank. I just can’t—I can’t believe that my brain…that it came up with something so beautiful and perfect as you. It couldn’t have done that. I can even comprehend how perfect you are at time. How am I supposed to create it then?”

“Harry,” Louis breathes and he sounds close to tears. “Don’t say that. If one of us is perfect it’s you. _You_ , and you only. Harry, baby. You’re perfect, because you mean everything to me. And you’re perfect because—” his voice breaks “because you’re going to pick yourself up again. When I’m gone, you’re going to start over. And be perfect for somebody else.”

“No, Louis I can’t—”

“Yes. Yes, you can. You can be perfect for somebody else. Somebody _real_ who is going to be there for you in ways that—that I can’t be there for you. You deserve someone who is—” his voice breaks again and he hiccups, blinking through his tears “some who is—perfect. L-Like you.”

“No,” Harry says again, shaking his head. Louis only nods at him, again and again. He doesn’t protest as Harry reaches down for his face and kisses him hard. Their lips are wets from their own and each others tears and the kiss is messy, but they don’t care. Harry only deepens the kiss even more, tries to pull Louis closer to him, impossibly close.

“Closer,” Harry mumbles as he pulls Louis flush against his chest. He can only think of one way to be even closer to Louis and he can’t see his eyes through all the tears, but when Louis mumbles “Even closer,” he knows they’re going there.

Louis kisses him hard again and his head is spinning as they slowly peel each other’s clothes off, but he can’t stop crying. No matter how many times Louis kisses the tears away as he slowly and deeply fucks into him, they always come back. In the end he just accepts it, sobbing into the crook of Louis’ neck as he meets Louis’ with every thrust.

“Have the surgery,” Louis mutters in his ears and bites down on his ear lobe hard. “Please, promise me.”

“I promise,” Harry pants.

“And then you move on.”

“No, Louis I—”

“Harry, please. Please.” He has slowed his thrust now and Harry feels like he can’t think. “I love you, please. Promise.”

“I will always love you,” Harry says instead, but Louis seems content enough with that as well and rocks hard into Harry two, three more times before they both gaze each other in pure bliss and love.

~

The next mornings is a hectic mess. Harry lies in his bed all day, Louis right by his side, but the world around them is like a startled chicken. People are coming in and out of the room all the time. Nurses, doctors. An anesthetist comes and asks Harry for his height and weight and all that. Liam stops by to see how he’s doing.

At least, Harry thinks, he can give himself credit for not crying while telling Liam that he is going to have the surgery. He doesn’t manage that though when he has to tell his mom. She looks tired and her eyes are red, like Harry’s.

Louis leaves when she comes and even though Harry’s mom can’t see him anyways and Harry really has nothing to hide from Louis – especially not _now_ – he can’t help the feeling of fondness when the smaller boy leaves the room.

Harry’s mom is happy when she tells him that he will have the surgery. She hugs him and kisses his forehead, telling him that this is the right decision to make. Harry wonder whether Liam had been bluffing about declaring him insane and making him go through the surgery either way, because his mom seems seriously relieved as he tells her.

Liam must have put in a good word for him or something, because his surgery gets scheduled the same afternoon. The nurses won’t let him have lunch and he has to take really disgusting laxatives. “Just in case,” one of the nurses tells him, but Harry wonders have on earth has to go wrong during a brain surgery for them to cut open his bum.

He doesn’t ask.

Thirty minutes before the surgery a nurse comes in an gives him a tranquilizer. He says he doesn’t need one, but Liam made a note in his chart about the hysterical crying fit he through when he found out about the tumor. So the tranquilizer it is.

Louis sits next to him and holds his hand while the nurse places the catheter. He has been unusually quiet all day and Harry wishes he would be loud and obnoxious to distract him. When he tells Louis so he only gets a sad smile.

“You’ll forever be in my heart,” the smaller boy tells him earnestly and okay. That’s not what Harry asked for. So he’s crying again and Louis is holding him tight. He rocks him gently and then they lay back down in the bed until one of the OR nurses comes to take him down for his surgery.

For the first time ever it proofs to be of advantage that nobody can see Louis and he gets to go way past the doors where Harry had to kiss his mom goodbye. Louis is with him all the way, even in the OR, when one of the doctors asks him to lay down on this other, slimmer bed-like stretcher in the middle of the room. Harry goes and lies and Louis stands right by his head, combing through his curls, caressing the skin on his cheek.

“I love you,” Harry whispers as they hold the breathing mask with the anesthetic in front of his mouth.

“I’ll never leave you,” Louis promises.

~

When Harry wakes up the first thing he sees is his mom’s face hovering over his own. She’s crying he thinks and he wants to reach out and touch her, comfort her. But his arms feel so heavy, or maybe he is just weak, because opening his eyes long enough to look at her already feels like a lot more work than it should be.

He manages to focus and her face and their eyes meet for a moment, before she yelps loudly and kisses his cheek. Harry groans.

“Oh my God, Harry baby,” she blabbers and Harry thinks she leaves the room to get a nurse, but maybe he fell asleep while she was gone. Was she gone? He doesn’t know and it’s all really fuzzy. But the next thing he does know is that his mom is by his side again and a nurse is standing next to his bed, fiddling with tubes and a monitor maybe? Harry can’t see and turning his head sounds too exhausting to even try.

He thinks he falls asleep again, because the next time he wakes a cloud of people dressed in white stands by the foot of his bed. There are three, maybe four and they’re watching him. One of them is talking and he hears his name, trying to open his eyes wider and stay conscious to listen to their conversation. He doesn’t manage to he thinks, because when he opens his eyes again the cloud is gone.

He dips in and out of consciousness a few more times, but each time he thinks that maybe this time he’ll be able to stay awake. His mom is by his side most of the time, but sometimes she’s not and then it’s dark so Harry figures it’s nighttime.

One time he swears Liam in his room, but he’s gone when Harry opens his eyes again. He doesn’t know whether to trust his vision yet so he doesn’t ask for him the next day when his mom comes by. The day is the first time that they talk. His mom brings him water, because his throat feels incredibly dry and he sips a few ounces of water through a straw, too exhausted to lift his head. His mom smiles the entire time and he thinks things can’t be all that bad.

On the third day he manages to stay awake for a reasonable period of time and the nurses call the doctor to speak with him. The man that shows up smiles warmly down at Harry when he enters the room.

“Well, well, well,” he begins, picking up Harry’s chart and reading through it. “Harry. How are you feeling?”

“Okay?” he tries, but the movement of his jaw only sends more throbbing pain through his head.

“Good.” The doctor smiles. “It says here you had hallucinations before. Have you had them again, or…?” he trails off and even though Harry doesn’t turn – it’s still kind of exhausting – he knows his mom is holding her breath.

“No,” he says slowly, because it’s true. He hasn’t seen Louis in all three days since the surgery. He gives it the benefit of the doubt though, considering that he was asleep for 95% of the time and doesn’t let himself get devastated just yet.

“I do still have a headache though,” he adds, thinking about how to subtly express the wish to get more pain medication.

“We just cut your skull open,” the doctor say, softly almost “obviously you’ll have a headache for some time. That doesn’t mean the surgery wasn’t successful.”

“Did you get it all then?” Harry’s mom asks hopefully.

“It looked all clear during the surgery, but we can’t be sure. We will know that it was successful when the symptoms don’t return.”

“Right,” she nods and takes Harry’s hand in her own softly with a smile.

“I’ll let the nurses know to get you some more medication for the pain,” the doctor says with a smile and makes a note on the chart before leaving the room again. As soon as the door falls shut behind him Harry’s mom moves onto the bed and into his visual frame so he doesn’t have to turn his head.

“That’s great news, honey. You’re gonna be fine.”

Not exactly, Harry thinks bitterly. If he doesn’t see Louis ever again he’s going to be anything _but_ fine.

~

Harry to stay in the hospital for ten more days. They want to watch his recovery and make sure there were no complications. Harry doesn’t mind being in the hospital, doesn’t mind the doctors or the uncomfortable bed—not even the not-as-bad-tasting-as-looking hospital food.

The only thing that really gets to him are the nights. Because at night, Harry thinks, the hospital gets even louder than during the day. With visitors around there is this constant low buzz that drowns out all the unpleasant sounds from the hospital. The beeping from the monitor, the crying children. The groans of pain and heavy breathing. It’s all right there and it’s so loud and it’s the reason Harry can’t sleep.

Whenever he does eventually get sleep it’s restless and his head is pounding. He dreams of Louis and finds himself more than once waking up crying.

So overall Harry just prefers the _days_ in the hospital. So it might be surprising to hear that Harry’s most beautiful memory from his stay at the hospital is from an even during the night.

It’s on the sixth day and he has just fallen asleep. It wasn’t easy, as it never is. He knows he’s right there on the verge of sleep, when something is luring him back. Back into consciousness. Harry doesn’t like it. He just wants to sleep.

He lays there for a while, the odd feeling pooling in his stomach and the slowly spreading through his entire body. Fine, Harry thinks, what is it? He keeps his eyes closed, but listens to his body.

The first thing he notices is that his headache is gone. And when he can feel the bed dip next to him and the soft breathing on his air, the brush of lips on his cheeks he doesn’t need to open his eyes to know it’s Louis.

**Author's Note:**

> Please, please, please let me know what you thought! (I hope this made you cry, because I sure teared up writing this.) xx
> 
> Find me on tumbr: hannahazza.tumblr.com


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